Friendship Facilitation
Page 5

•   Help my child think about friendship.   If your child is open to discussing this topic without too much defensiveness, you can review questions such as: "What's the good friend thing to do?" or "What works and what doesn't with other kids?"   Other conversations could open with:   "a friend is..." or "a friend does..."   "How do you think good friends act toward each other?"   Encourage your child to think of what they would like to do differently to "be a better friend", or "make things go better with friends".   Avoid language such as "Make and keep friends".
•   Help him set a friendship goal.  If your child seems ready and willing, help your child set a friendship goal.   Define what he can do differently to try to meet the goal.   Put the goal in positive terms "I will share with my guest."   "Guests choose" "Listen to her stories"
•   Review the goal.  Before the meeting, help your child review their goal.   Stay on standby to give gentle reminders during the play.

•   How do we identify good potential friends?   Ask your child if there is someone they would like to get to know better.   If your child is 5-8 you can also get ideas from teachers, scout leaders, Sunday school teachers, or coaches.   If your child is 9 or older, ask him to think about "What makes a good friend."  He may start by mentioning the popular kids.   In a discussion, help him think through the qualities that he is seeking in a friend.   Then help him identify someone who seems to have these qualities.
•   What about temperment?   Personality and tempermental "fit" is a definite plus.  However, a "fit" does not mean identical!  A "fit" can also mean that the other child is tolerant, warm or "easy" in temperment, to offset your intense child.  For example, you might look for sensitive.   Examples of a problem fit might be a very quiet, picky child paired with a loud boisterous hyperactive child.  Often, children with ADHD seem to gravitate toward each other.  This can be a workable pair, but they will require a lot of supervision!
•   Is it OK if there is a difference in age?   One year older or younger is fine, especially if your child is more successful with a younger or older child than with the same age peers.   Try to keep within a 1-2 year age difference at most.
•   What if my child wants to have a very popular child over?   You could allow your child to invite the popular child over one-on-one, but not in a group activity.   Your child would likely be left out of the group.   If the popular child turns her down, you can let her know that she may be too busy or does not feel the need to make a new friend.   A better choice would be a child who is also looking for a new friend.
•   Should I look for a child with interests in common with my child?   Common interests can definitely help.   Encourage your child to talk to the potential friend and ask them about what they like to do.   Help her think about what to ask on the telephone ahead of time.   Your child may get all excited about what he wants to play and not think of the other child's interests.   If your child has someone over with different interests, encourage him to plan to do some of those activities, or take turns choosing.