How To Coach
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know AHEAD OF TIME if there are one or two behaviors
that are particularly annoying (such as whining). Before the friend comes over, tell your child matter-
of-factly "I don't appreciate whining. When I hear it, I'll wait until you use your normal voice before
answering you."
Two siblings are arguing, and one hits the other. PAY attention to the
one who got hit first. "Are you ok? That must hurt. Would you like to tell Joey how you feel? Do you want to say
'ouch, that hurt!'" Then turn to the other child if they are listening quietly "Good listening Joey. I wonder
if you would like to say how you feel in words?"
6. Teaching interactions
You can be a bit more direct with helping a child who is being inappropriate, or
who is having trouble mastering a skill such as waiting to speak, not barging in the group, or dominating the
conversation. Here's how you do this. 1. Stop the action gently, by saying something that is
related to the situation. 2. Ask the child for an alternate way to act. If the child
can't do this, model another way. 3. Then ask your child to try the new way. 4. Give
positive feedback about the attempt. We do this all the time, really. Here are some
examples. At the dinner table: One child says "I am eating SEE FOOD." And sticks out his tongue
full of food. You could say "You know some people think that's funny, but some don't. How
else could you eat?" "Yes, terrific, with your mouth closed. Let's see who can do that the best for
a minute." In conversation one child is talking on and on: "That's a really long story. Could
you shorten it so we can keep our attention on it?" Then encourage everyone to listen attentively
and praise the story-teller. Interrupting: "I can tell you really want to tell us something.
How else can you get a turn?" "Super, I know we can all really listen when it's your turn." Or
you could say, "Hold that thought" (and point your head).
This needs to be "Light Handed" so your child does not feel singled out or
shamed in front of peers. But you can offer the same suggestion to visiting children if you
are matter of fact about it. "You know in our house we..."
7. Direct prompt
Unobtrusive direct prompts may be necessary if your child misses the cue
or non-verbal signal. Do this as subtly as possible. Try not to draw a lot of attention
to your child if possible. If you have to, ask him into the other room for a quick reminder.
Try to do this aas little as possible in front of their friends. If it is a minor problem, let it go.
Children can work things out, or you can talk about it later, because children resent being taken
out of the action and feel embarrassed when this happens. Try to do direct prompting as little as
possible because it can feel like nagging. If kids are stuck, you could say, "What's a good
friend thing to do right now?" Use encouraging language when your child has a problem, "I know
you and Sarah can figure this out." Or, "I know that you can be thoughtful and generous, you can think
about how to do that now."
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