How To Coach
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3. Develop an unobtrusive system of cues, or non verbal signals with your child.
If your child is open to this, work together to set up one or two
subtle cues or signs you can use to give her feedback or help her remember her goal. For instance,
raise your index finger to give an unobtrusive "thumbs up" for praise if your child prefers a private
praise, or if the situation warrants that. Or touch your nose to remind your child to notice
what they are doing (as a self-management cue). Or hold your hands out facing down as a reminder
to slow down or calm down. Perhaps one signal could be a reminder to take a breath and manage
their anger. Some children really enjoy Sign Language and get a kick out of learning a few
simple signs as a private system of signals between the two of you. If you and your child plan
this together, then it will feel like a helpful cue to self-management rather than embarrassing orders
from the sidelines. If your child doesn't notice a subtle cue, you may need something more
obvious such as a cough or sneeze for a younger child. Older children are easily embarrassed,
so for them, keep it unobtrusive.
4. Remember to stay on standby, coaches.
Stay nearby. In earshot. You will not be able to help
coach if you are in another part of the house doing something else. I know this is more work,
but you are working together with your child during this time. As she works on her goal, listen
for how it goes. Agree together that you will be on standby at times to help out if needed.
Notice the good prosocial behavior that he does. Praise the two of them (if not too obtrusive) or
give the positive signal. Notice for what makes a situation hard. Your child may have a
hard time at first because peers know how to stir up a situation. Use your cues. When
this is not enough, you can use the next steps.
5. Ignore/Attend/Praise
This method is helpful to use when one child in a group (or of a two-some)
is behaving inappropriately, especially with attention getting behaviors or become over-excited or a little
wild. First, ignore the child who is out of line, then, pay attention to the child who is behaving
well. This can be a cue about what you expect (and pay attention to). Finally, pay attention
to the misbehaving child WHEN he behaves better. Here are some example: You are giving
two children cookies and juice. Your child begins to whine and ask for more in an annoying way.
Ignore your child; turn to the guest "Would you like some more juice?" Serve her. THEN if your
child says, "I'd like more too" without whining, say "Nice asking, here you go." Three children are
playing in the yard on the swings. One is getting really loud and a bit wound up. PAY attention
to the ones playing more quietly. "Wow you guys are really going high; is it fun to see the trees when
you are up so high?" When the kids are playing well together, "catch them being good" without
embarrassing your child. You can let your child
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