How To Coach

     Your role in helping your child with self-management is that of a consultant or advisor rather than teacher or leader.   I think of a coach as another model for this, but some coaches are too directive in their style.   Think for a moment about a teacher or coach who was too directive with you.   This person may have been giving you good advice, but you may have felt resentful or uncomfortable because you wanted to think for yourself.   Do you remember a coach who shouted, or made you feel stupid or ashamed?   One who seemed mainly to focus on your shortcomings or the mistakes you made?   How did that feel?   We want to avoid giving your child that feeling in interactions with you.

     Now, think for a moment about someone you know who had helped you, given you pointers, but nonetheless let you "do the job".   Was this person good at pointing out what you were doing right, did they offer encouragement, or give you a sense of the "job well done"?   In one local soccer program, coaches are trained in this method.   Here's how it works: With beginning players, some basic skills are taught.   Then in practices, if the child even accidentally comes near the ball, the coach says, "Good following the ball."   If the ball hits the child on the leg "good block", "good running", " you are really playing hard."   Soon the children feel encouraged, empowered, and excited to play because they feel good about the game.   And their skills improve, because they are not afraid to try.

     This is the role we want you to keep in mind as we talk about how to help your child in self management.   Kids feel (and rightly so) that their feelings are their realm, not an area where they want their parents to tell them what to feel, what to think, or what to say.   Always be clear that you are there to help but they are responsible for their feelings and action.   This will hopefully eliminate control battles, the situation in which your child does not take enough responsibility for his/her actions (such as the child who tends to blame others for problems, rather than accept their own role in it).   Your role will be to offer encouragement, to be a role model, to be a pep squad from the sidelines, pointing out what went well and offering gently pointer.   But your advice, consultation, tips, pointers, are given knowing that they will have to incorporate what you think and feel into their feelings and skills as they are learning how to handle their own emotions.