Tools For Being Firm
Discussion is fine, when the issues are negotiable, or when the rules are being
set. These would be times when everyone is calm, when you have all agreed to
sit together and make decisions, or when your child has come and said "I want to
discuss the rule about X" (tv, telephone, chores, allowance, etc.) When
your child is pushing, whining or arguing, it is NOT the time for discussion!!
This system provides the child with a warning or learning opportunity and the
child is given two chances to change his behavior before he is given consequences.
Here is how 1-2-3- Strikes works:
P: Mary, it's time to get ready for bed.
C: (whines), It's too early, Billy gets to stay up later...it's no fair,
you always let Billy do something I can't.
P: (Calmly) "That's a one"
C: Nooo, I'm not done watching this show
P: That's two
C: No fair, it's not time yet
P: That's three, now go to your room (or to time out) and take 10.
Escort your child to Time Out if she does not go herself,
but don't discuss, yell or get drawn into an emotional scene. If she refuses to go, you
can add time, or add other punishments, such as docking allowance, loss of toys or other
privileges, taking away TV time, etc. You must let your child know in advance that if she
resists, the punishments will get steeper and steeper. Decide in advance what this will be
if you think your child will be resistant. Time out should last approximately 1 minute per year
of age, but some children with ADHD may need shorter times.
Crucial point: When you begin 1-2-3 Strikes, do it every time the STOP
behavior occurs. Don't let some whining or arguing go by, or your child will just keep
going to see how far he can go.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE: Introducing 1-2-3 Strikes
P: We need to talk about the problems we have been having with all the fighting and arguing
about the rules of the house. Dad and I decided that we need a new rule about arguing.
From now on we are going to give you only two warnings about doing a chore, or doing what you are
asked. After that, you will be sent to time out if you don't do what you are supposed to.
It will sounds like this. If I say "go brush your teeth" and you say "it's not time yet, or why do I have to"
I'll say "that's a one". That means you've had your first warning. If I ask again, and you
argue or question or stall, I'll say "that's a two". Those are the only warnings that you get. If
I have to say "that's a three", then you will have to go into time out. We aren't going to
argue about this new rule. Dad and I decided that this is what we need to do, so this is
the new rule. Any questions?
C: Yeah, why do we have to have this stupid new rule? I don't think I'm going to need this.
That sounds so unfair.
P: I have been feeling really angry about all the arguing and whining that goes on, so we decided that
this new rule is what we will do to change that.
C: I don't think you have to do this. I'll stop whining, I promise....
P: Nope, this is what we are going to do.
C: But I hate time out, besides, you can't make me stay in there anyway.
P: If you go by the rule, you won't have to be in Time Out at all. If you don't, then you will
have to go to Time Out. (If you refuse Time Out, we will have to have other punishments.
One parent I know took favorite toys away if their son refused Time Out. He had to give them away
to the hospital). This is the new rule: If you argue, talk back, or whine when I tell you to do
something, I will give you 1-2-3 warnings, if you still don't stop and don't want to do what you are
supposed to, you will go to Time Out.
[you could practice this with your kids, they could have some fun pretending to whine and pretending
to be sent to time out, or pretending to be good.]
Loss Of Privilege
Loss of a privilege can be used when a parent has a specific idea that removal of a specific
privilege will be an appropriate punishment. The parent would need to define what their goal
is and the loss of the privilege could be for a short period of time or a long period of time. For
example, if a child has been spending too much time on the internet and not getting his homework completed,
he could lose the privilege of using the computer until his grades improve. A child could be restricted
from playing with a particular toy, riding his bike, playing outside of the house, use of the phone,
driving the family car or whatever would be related to the offending behavior. Many children
will be motivated to do better when they lose a special privilege.
CopyrightŠ2000 Texas Childrens Hospital, Learning Support Center
All Rights Reserved
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