Tools For Being Firm

PROBLEM SOLVING

Many of us are already masters at problem solving, but use it on such an automatic basis that it is not easy to call forth on command. Since this is a clear systematic way of solving problems it is useful for you to use by yourself and with your child. We have listed seven steps for you to follow.

What is the problem? Before the problem can be solved, it must be clearly defined. Write a brief statement about what bothers you. This definition should be brief and clearly get your point across. Sometimes we find there is actually more than one problem. Stick to the most important one and save others for another time.
Consider feelings. (feelings of each person in the interaction). How did I feel? How did the other person feel? What are your hunches? If you are not sure, how can you find out? What is the most difficult about the situation? How do you think your child feels?
Brainstorm. Use your creativity. Make a list of all ideas that could be solutions without critiquing any during this step.
Consider consequences. In this step you take your ideas and consider the options you have. You may want to rate your ideas from one to ten. Here you are assessing each solution and asking questions like "Would it work out well if..." "How would my child feel if..." "Does this solution overlook anything?"
Choose a solution. Decide on what your best option is.
Plan to implement. Write out in detail how you will carry out your plan. This should include how you will stick to your plan. This is like making a map that includes your response to questions and negative reactions.
Review. How did your solution work? Do you need to make any adjustments or try any other options? Did you anticipate the consequences accurately?

Remember, that when we are problem solving, we are experimenting and we have to try our plan out. You can include your child in this process, once you have learned how to problem solve yourself.

STATE WHAT YOU AS THE PARENT WILL DO

This is a very clear technique for the parent to state what they plan to do. Use this strategy when you have a definite idea about what you plan to do about a particular behavior or situation. There are times when you cannot get a child to do what you want him to do. By stating what you plan to do, you have control over the situation. It is important here to not ask anything of the child, but to state what you will do and can have control over.
Examples:
"I will wash all the clothes that are in the dirty laundry basket." "I will take you shopping after your chores are done."
"I am grounding you next weekend from any activities away from the house since you abused your curfew last weekend and it is our agreement that you pay the consequences the following weekend."
"I will turn on the TV, when your homework is done."
"I will put food on the table when everyone is seated."
"I will give you the cord for your computer, when your homework is done."
"I am leaving the room now because I will not discuss things with you when you are this angry.. when you use that kind of language..when you are using that kind of tone. When you are able to talk in an appropriate way, let me know, until then this discussion is over!"

As you can see, this is a good approach to use when you want to get your point across and the child/adolescent needs some limits set or some boundaries formed. This could later lead to choices, logical consequences, problem solving or a contract.

1-2-3- Strikes (also known as 1-2-3 Magic)

This system is quite useful if your child is doing a lot of behavior that you want him or her to STOP. These might include behaviors such as whining, arguing about rules, chores, begging for treats, repeatedly asking for things, or other annoying behaviors. The 1-2-3 system is helpful in letting your kids know that you are serious about wanting them to STOP doing that particular behavior. This method gives the child an opportunity to benefit from a warning and should be used for behaviors that are not aggressive or dangerous or that much be immediately stopped without a warning (i.e. hitting or throwing that need an immediate time out or calming down period). If you want your child to do MORE of something or START doing something, such as getting dressed, doing homework, etc, other systems, such as contracts, charts, or points are more useful. Most parents use a combination of systems, depending upon what their goals are.

Ground Rules: There are two very important rules for using this system. Phelan calls them the no-talking and no-emotion rules. When you are disciplining, you do it calmly, and do not get emotional, angry or raise your voice much. Children who are accustomed to getting a lot of negative attention, or who are oppositional or angry at parents, are actually "reinforced" when parents "lose their cool" in an argument. When we keep it short and sweet, do not get upset, and do not lose control, we stay in control. The second rule is the no talking rule. When you are enforcing a pre-standing rule, you are not to have any discussions or explanation about the rule. The rule has already been explained, so when the problem occurs, any discussion is just either to try to enforce it, or it feeds your child's trying to negotiate his way out of it "Lawyering".

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