Tools For Being Firm
Beyond anticipating,planning and preventing, there are many
effective techniques that can be used to reinforce positive behavior or reduce negative behavior.
As parents we have learned that children want attention and will often take negative attention as well
as positive attention. If the negative behavior your child exhibits is mainly annoying, then
it may be best to IGNORE this behavior. Ignoring whining and other annoying behaviors
that seem to be attention seeking will often stop when they are not noticed. Instead give attention
to positive or pro-social behavior. ("I like the way you patiently waiting for me to finish my phone call."
"I am glad to help you since you asked in such a nice way".) Other behavior cannot be ignored and
needs a specific strategy.
NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
A natural consequence is something that happens without any adult interference. For example,
if you forget your lunch, you get hungry or have to borrow money, or ask a friend to share. If
a child chooses to not take a jacket on a cool day then he/she may be cold. This means the parent
remains quiet (no "I told you so!") allowing the natural consequence to prevail and for the child to
be held accountable for what happened. This promotes responsibility. It is important
that the parent not do any additional blaming or punishing, as what has happened in the natural occurrence is
the lesson the child learns. A parent should empathize and be understanding while allowing the natural
consequence to occur.
Example: If a mother decided she would no longer pick up the dirty clothes on her daughter's
floor she would use natural consequences in the following way: She would discuss in advance her
new plan with her daughter by informing her she would no longer be picking up dirty clothes off
the floor and dirty clothes had to be in the dirty laundry hamper. Announcing that she had
confidence in her daughter's ability to be responsible for her own dirty clothes, Mom stated what she
would do. In the future, she would only wash clothes that were in the dirty clothes hamper.
Mom had to be willing not to revert back to her old behaviors of washing clothes she found on
her daughter's floor. When the daughter tested her Mom by becoming upset when a desired piece of
clothing was dirty and unwearable, Mom stood firm. She would empathize with her
daughter's dilemma, but again, reiterate her confidence in her daughter's ability to solve the problem.
By using Natural Consequences the daughter has learned to be more responsible for her dirty laundry.
There are times when natural consequences should not be used:
- When the child is in danger.
- When the natural consequences interfere with the rights of others.
- When the results of the behavior do not seem like a problem to the child (e.g. not taking a bath,
brushing teeth, etc.)
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES
Logical consequences are consequences planned in advance with the participation
of both the adult and child to create a helpful learning experience for the child. Logical
consequences require a parent to act rather than react. These types of consequences
can be most effective when the child is involved in deciding what consequence will most help
him/her learn.
The first rule of logical consequences is to give the child
a chance to stop the behavior or receive the consequence. (preferably done in privacy and
out of range of peers or siblings).
Jane Nelson refers to "three R's of logical consequences":
Related: the consequence is related to the behavior
Respectful: the consequence involves no shame,blame or pain
Reasonable: no piggybacking ("I told you so".) and reasonable
from the child's viewpoint
If any one of the three R's is violated and not part of the consequence, the child will typically
suffer the 4 R's of punishment: resentment,revenge,rebellion and retreat.
Logical consequences teach children the very basic concept that Privilege=Responsiblity and
Lack of responsibility=Lack of privilege.
Example:
A child leaves toys in the den after bedtime (i.e. toys not taken
care of would be put up and away in the attic). The privilege of having toys is matched by
the responsibility of taking care of them. Parents need to be respectful in terms of communicating
this plan to the children, then letting them determine the course of their behavior, with the parents
following up with the appropriate response.
Foster Cline, M.D., author of "Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching children Responsibility" talks
about the disappointments that children experience from natural and logical consequences as "SLO's"
or significant learning
CopyrightŠ2000 Texas Childrens Hospital, Learning Support Center
All Rights Reserved
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