A Prayer for the Stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I cannot accept;
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves;

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow;

Help me to give 100% at work:
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday,

And help me to remember:
When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up it takes:
42 muscles to frown,
28 to smile
and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!




U.S. Navy

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!



Actual Sentences Found in Patient Charts!

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day is disappeared.
3. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.




It Finally Happened!!!!!