The Fly

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon
a large pile of fresh horse manure.  Since it had been hours since
her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains,
she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate ... and ate... and then ... she ate some more!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.  She washed her face with her tiny front legs,
belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas ... she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she
spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.  She'd found a solution!!

She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she, painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings,
and leaped confidently into the air.

She ... dropped like a rock ... and splattered all over the floor ...

The moral to this sad story?


"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."







There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
Because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.......but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

We cannot change the direction of the wind...but we can adjust our sails.

If the shoe fits......buy it in every color (YES!)



How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
7. Dont use any punctuation marks
8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
10. Sing along at the opera.
11. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
12. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
13. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
14. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
15. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!, I won! Third time this week!!!!!"
16. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
    And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
    
17. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.