| In my private practice I've noticed a trend. | | | | miss the comfort that solitude can bring you. |
| Around November, old, current and new clients | | | | Please don't fall into the trap of trying to live up |
| call wanting to schedule sessions to talk about one | | | | to what you think "normal holidays" (an |
| topic: the holidays. The trend is not surprising: | | | | oxymoron) should be like. Holidays for Aspies are |
| most therapists find themselves busy at this time | | | | often riddled with "shoulds", which trigger |
| of year, when expectations and realities can clash, | | | | resentment and resistance. Adults with Asperger's |
| and even the most mature find themselves stuck | | | | who give themselves permission to meet their |
| in teenager roles and feelings long since discarded. | | | | own unique needs for togetherness and solitude, |
| But for a therapist who counsels adults with | | | | fun and rest, engagement and disengagement, |
| Asperger's the increase in client need may be | | | | often find themselves less pressured, less anxious |
| surprising to some. Aren't Aspies supposed to be | | | | and more accepting of themselves and others. |
| unconcerned with the judgments of others, even | | | | This balanced approach can prevent total |
| family members? Don't Aspies face holiday family | | | | shutdown mode, which is a natural response to |
| time with few, if any, expectations for intimacy | | | | over stimulation and helplessness. |
| or fun? Don't Aspies who find themselves alone | | | | Here are some tips Aspies may find helpful: |
| during the holidays consider their solitude a "Get | | | | Plan for taking breaks during visits. Examples are |
| Free Out of Jail" card, rather than a reason for | | | | taking a walk outside, taking a nap with a book, |
| loneliness or depression? After all, Aspies don't | | | | taking some quiet time for deep breathing, taking |
| really seek out relationships, right? If any of these | | | | a quick ride or offering to run an errand in the |
| assumptions sound familiar to you, beware of the | | | | car, playing a video game with someone or alone, |
| Aspie Stereotype, which pervades media (think | | | | or announcing a time-out and removing yourself |
| "Rainman"), research teams (think "Yale"), pop | | | | from the group. |
| culture (think SNL's "Nick Burns: The computer | | | | Schedule realistically. Over scheduling during the |
| Guy") and even some therapist circles (not me!). | | | | holidays can lead to burnout when being around |
| Contrary to popular notions regarding Asperger's, | | | | people is gratifying, but stressful (or just plain |
| many clinicians, those who work in the trenches | | | | difficult). While it's great to push yourself to |
| with adults struggling with the challenges of | | | | socialize, the holidays are a time to be reasonable |
| Asperger's, find their Aspie clients confused and | | | | - don't expect yourself to go from no parties to |
| overwhelmed by the holidays. Most of us harbor | | | | three or four in a month. Beware of the lure of |
| conscious or unconscious expectations about the | | | | substance use. Many of us rely on the cocktail or |
| holidays - how they should feel, who they should | | | | two to help ease party anxiety. While there may |
| be spent with, how tall the tree should be, who | | | | not be too much harm in this, most clinicians see |
| should host dinner...the list can go on. A lack of | | | | a surge in substance use during the holidays, |
| awareness of one's own "rules" regarding the | | | | which can lead to hangovers, a shaken sense of |
| holidays can set the stage for confusion, | | | | self, embarrassment, or worse. Remember that |
| disappointment, impulse coping skills and | | | | as long as you're using substances to quell the |
| depression. If you have Asperger's, you may be | | | | anxiety, you're not truly growing in your ability to |
| surprised at your own "automatic" answers to | | | | handle social situations. |
| questions such as: | | | | Be extra kind to yourself. This sounds corny, and |
| Should holidays be spent with friends or family? | | | | it is. But think about it: we spend so much time |
| Should loved ones exchange gifts, or not? Who | | | | during the holidays thinking about giving to others |
| should travel where for the holiday celebration? | | | | (or avoiding it!), but how much do we think about |
| Tinsel, or lights? While these questions may seem | | | | truly giving to ourselves? This is the time to use |
| trivial, they're not - and often they shed light on | | | | kind words and actions to take care of yourself. |
| our automatic thoughts that go unchallenged and | | | | Ideas include buying or checking out a new book, |
| cause problems. For instance, if your "rule" is that | | | | going to the movies alone, eating a favorite meal, |
| Christmas or Hanukkah is a commercialized | | | | spending quiet time petting the cat. Seek help if |
| money-making holiday to benefit department | | | | you need to. Holiday therapy can be a temporary |
| stores, you may refuse to participate, and thus | | | | bridge to January 2! Here's to your success in |
| miss genuine opportunities to connect with loved | | | | creating a holiday this year that you can anticipate |
| ones. If you automatically decree that holidays | | | | with groundedness and optimism. |
| should be spent with family or friends, you may | | | | |