| WANTED: Boyfriend to demonstrate interest in | | | | hungry? Anxious? Dehydrated? Lonely? |
| chit chat and casual affection. Especially interested | | | | Overwhelmed? Then, ask yourself what you |
| in playful banter, eye contact and active listening. | | | | need. Do you need a snack? To lower your |
| FOUND: Man with Asperger's who completed Top | | | | anxiety by practicing deep breathing? A glass of |
| Ten List, enjoyed a burst of confidence and will | | | | water? A quick check-in with a loved one? A task |
| probably enjoy positive feedback (and maybe | | | | taken off your plate by a partner? |
| more!) from partner. | | | | Now that you have awareness of how you feel |
| If you've found yourself baffled at your girlfriend | | | | and what you need, you are in a position to either |
| or wife's requests for nebulous actions such as | | | | meet that need or ask for help from your |
| "show more empathy" or "show a pulse" during | | | | partner. Asking for help in getting a need met |
| interactions, just know that you're not alone. If | | | | does not look like this: |
| you've found yourself puzzled by what exactly | | | | "Well, I can see you didn't bother to think about |
| these kinds of phrases mean, and how to break | | | | what anyone else is going to eat for dinner."or |
| them down into concrete behaviors, you're in | | | | "I wish I were married to someone who could |
| good - and ample - company. | | | | actually see the trash overflowing onto the |
| It's often very difficult for partners of Aspies to | | | | floor!"or |
| understand why they need to ask for exactly | | | | "I feel totally alone in this worthless marriage." |
| what they need - not in vague, esoteric terms - | | | | What you may be called to do is much scarier |
| but in clear, honest and behavior-based terms. But | | | | than this. What you may be called to do is to |
| this must be done for their needs to be met. | | | | substitute statements like the above with |
| Aspies are not, in general, wired to make | | | | statements like: |
| assumptions and gather the gist of nuance. | | | | "I would love for you to make me a snack. Will |
| Thank goodness! | | | | you make me a bowl of Cap'n Crunch?"or |
| This "deficit" on the part of the Aspie forces his | | | | "I feel overwhelmed. Will you take the trash out? |
| partner to adopt clear communication, honesty | | | | That will help."or |
| about limits and needs, and accountability. One | | | | "I'm feeling lonely. Will you hold me?" |
| cannot complain about not getting needs met by | | | | Can you see how much more difficult the second |
| an Aspie partner if one is afraid to communicate | | | | set of statements is? Making yourself vulnerable, |
| clearly what those needs are. I find that, in | | | | feeling worthy of asking for what you want, is |
| strange synchronicity, partners of Aspies often | | | | frightening for many women. Yet it is this clear |
| are those women (or men) who most need to | | | | and honest communication, with yourself and your |
| learn that their needs are OK. They are often | | | | partner, that has the potential to save your |
| individuals who can scream their needs. They can | | | | relationship. |
| silence their needs. But clearly state their needs? | | | | So if you've read this article in hopes of finding a |
| TERRIFYING! | | | | list of ten behaviors you can copy and email to |
| How comfortable are you with acknowledging and | | | | your loved one, you're in for disappointment. |
| sharing what you want? What do you want out | | | | Likewise, if you've read this article hoping to divine |
| of this moment? Out of this week? This month? | | | | the secret to meeting your girlfriend's unspoken |
| Year? Lifetime? Women who can acknowledge, | | | | needs, you're out of luck. |
| without anger or blame, that they need to feel | | | | Only you can design a list of top ten behaviors |
| safe, comforted, reassured, treasured, adored, | | | | that can meet your unique needs, or ask your |
| respected, valued....these women are often ahead | | | | partner for this list. While there are general habits |
| of the game when it comes to intimacy. | | | | that are often functional in relationships, needs are |
| Women who can, without anger or blame, break | | | | unique, and emerge according to no one's |
| these needs down into specific desired behaviors - | | | | schedule but your own. Facing the fact that you |
| a hug, hand-holding, a date, a question, sustained | | | | need your partner, mustering the courage to ask |
| attention for five minutes during a description of a | | | | for what you want, and then being willing to |
| work issue....these women are often crossing the | | | | receive what your partner has to give...these are |
| finish line while others are in the stands feeling | | | | the true triumphs of intimacy, and worth every |
| resentful and alone. Why is asking for what you | | | | ounce of effort you can offer. |
| need so difficult? Because, as you may know, | | | | If you're consumed by bitterness in your |
| women are often encouraged to take care of | | | | relationship, I challenge you to stop expecting |
| everyone but themselves. This sounds cliche, but | | | | your partner with ASD (or without!) to read your |
| it's true. How often have you found yourself | | | | mind. I challenge you to identify a need, share it, |
| judging a woman who takes time for pedicures, | | | | and ask for a specific behavior. If this feels silly or |
| massages or yoga as self-absorbed or superficial? | | | | contrived, you're on the right path. It won't feel |
| Women often subconsciously view taking care of | | | | this way for long if you keep it up. Rather, these |
| themselves and acknowledging their needs as | | | | new habits can begin to feel natural, healthy and |
| taboo - while they rage against their partners for | | | | intimate. |
| not doing it for them. | | | | If you can complete this task, I believe you have |
| So where do you start? By first becoming aware | | | | the tools for great change and hope in your |
| of how you feel and what you need. Do you feel | | | | relationship. |