| In my psychotherapy practice, I often receive | | | | emotions matter. |
| referrals for couples dealing with one partner's real | | | | Though they may be expressed differently (or |
| or suspected diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome. | | | | not at all!), your feelings and perceptions are valid, |
| More often than not, the partner who is | | | | and are worth just as much as your partner's |
| frustrated and seeking therapy is the partner who | | | | feelings and thoughts. This can be a difficult |
| has not been diagnosed. | | | | perspective to maintain, especially if your partner |
| Most of us know that adults with Asperger | | | | is articulate and quick. Remember, working out a |
| Syndrome (Aspies) have dramatically different | | | | problem is not a verbal jousting competition, |
| ways of communicating and behaving in | | | | though it can sometimes feel like one. |
| relationships. Some of these ways work | | | | 4. Decide how you would like to pursue and |
| beautifully! Some do not. If you are an adult who | | | | operate in relationships. |
| has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, or | | | | This takes thought. Do you want to connect with |
| suspects you might have the disorder, how can | | | | others? Do you experience loneliness? Do you |
| you begin to navigate the foggy, unpredictable, | | | | want to increase your ability to talk about your |
| irrational land of intimacy? Following are five tips | | | | inner world or negotiate problems? Not everyone |
| which may provide some beginning help. | | | | aspires to these ways of relating. Decide for |
| 1. Don't give in to feelings of hopelessness or | | | | yourself if you do. If you decide to work to |
| futility. | | | | strengthen your connections, you may benefit |
| Adults with Asperger Syndrome can at times feel | | | | from learning to monitor your "togetherness |
| overwhelmed by frustration. There are times | | | | tolerance" - Aspies often are helped by frequent |
| these adults can feel that no amount of effort on | | | | breaks, shorter visits, etc. Your level of need in |
| their part can ever change their ability to | | | | connecting with others may differ vastly from |
| understand how their partner operates. This is | | | | that of your partner. This is fine, and may serve |
| sometimes true - no adult can ever really become | | | | as a great balance for your relationship. |
| an expert on their partner's perceptions, thoughts, | | | | 5. Find help. Often a cliche tip, there is no |
| feelings and behaviors. The best strategy may be | | | | substitute for consulting an expert - a |
| becoming an expert on yourself. This can serve | | | | communication coach, a therapist, a well-written |
| as a foundation for learning new skills, having | | | | manual. Remember that though you may have |
| compassion for yourself and even learning to | | | | not received the understanding of relationship |
| laugh at how different you and your partner may | | | | nuance through osmosis, like many adults, you |
| approach problems and issues. | | | | CAN learn skills that can close the gap you may |
| 2. Ask questions of your partner -gather as much | | | | feel between your ability to relate and the abilities |
| information as you can about the situation you're | | | | of others. |
| facing together. | | | | One last tip - don't be too quick to judge yourself |
| Faced with having to operate without an intuitive | | | | harshly. Aspies often provide wonderful |
| understanding of how your partner feels and | | | | advantages to their relationships, such as |
| thinks, you may rely on your logic and | | | | "groundedness", logic, a refusal to become violent |
| assumptions. This can be dangerous! Remember, | | | | or aggressive, a heightened desire to do the right |
| your mind works differently than your partner's. | | | | or moral thing, an inability to participate in the |
| A great strategy can be simply asking questions. | | | | emotional "games" so many adults struggle with in |
| For instance, instead of assuming that your | | | | relationships, in intense sensitivity buried under |
| partner is ready to end the relationship over a | | | | layers of defense. As always, self-acceptance is |
| fight, ask for clarification. Good questions can | | | | the best position to take as you navigate the |
| include, "I'm wondering if you feel...." Or "Can you | | | | wonderful - and sometimes terrifying - frontiers |
| tell me more about that?". | | | | of intimacy. |
| 3. Hold tight to the truth that your thoughts and | | | | |